How Young Un learned to love the Bomb and other stories

I love the news especially as covered on Indian news channels and of course Fox News, the BBC, CNN and other champions of the free world, not excluding NDTV.

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North Korea

1. A French quotation asks one to beware of some dogs which will bite if attacked, somewhat like Kim Jong Un. Un is the Korean President or dictator, depending on Hoo Yoo talk to. A dictator obviously, since North Korean elections don’t count, only US elections do, even if many of the electors cannot count. Only US elections matter, even if what you get at the end of the process is something called Donald Trump. So young Un, you’ll still be called a dictator, despite all the elections that you have won or will win.

Now that N Korea has tested an ICBM with the range to hit the US, and also a miniaturised H-Bomb that it says it can fit into that missile, the US feels threatened. So would you be if you had only 16000 and odd high yielding nuclear weapons and were threatened by one with six. I feel for the US. After all it is the only nation which has known what it actually is to use a nuclear weapon, which it did in 1945 on Japan, now one of the US’s staunchest allies.

It is easy to play the victim card as Japan has done since WWII, gaining sympathy for the dead of Nagasaki and Hiroshima. But my sympathies are all for the US. It must have been tough to take the decision to drop the bomb, even on those dastardly cowardly cross-eyed Nips, who hadn’t had the courtesy to declare war before attacking Pearl Harbor, with just a simple note — “Dear Admiral Kimmel, I will be unable to accept your kind invitation to the Navy Queen Ball at the Officers Mess on Oahu on Sunday evening. However despite the no-show, I have a pleasant surprise planned. Request you to step out of the Naval Officer’s Mess onto the front lawns with the ladies for a ringside view of a surprise fireworks display. Yours etc. Yamamoto.”

Like I said, the decision to do the right thing is always tough and you must expect blowback. Even all these years after the end of WWII, the US is still having to explain why it dropped the bomb. No, it was not to test the bomb to see if it really worked. No, it was not because the potential victims would be squint-eyed, little yellow men and women, and babies of course — mustn’t forget the babies. It never does to forget. Even Donald Trump kissed some babies on the way to the White House. Really, why didn’t they drop it on Germany? Because they were white? No, certainly not. They had already surrendered, you see. Actually we really wanted to use it on Moscow. Come on. Yes really. But the Russians were our allies! Some shock and awe would have been welcome, especially since Stalin had his greedy eyes on Europe post-war. But alas, he was still one of our good friends then, so it had to be Hiroshima. But he got the message alright.

Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” never mentioned dropping nuclear bombs on people as one way of making friends, but this obviously works. Japan is one the US’s staunchest allies today and shelters under the US’s nuclear mushroom, sorry umbrella. No wonder young Kim has tested four nuclear weapons. He really wants to make friends with the US. Dropping some bombs on them might do the trick.

You know that actually the US and N Korea are still officially at war. There has never been a peace settlement after the Korean war, only an armistice, which technically is just a cessation of hostilities for a certain period.

Young Un wants desperately to make friends and the US for some reason, desperately avoids the issue. Of course this gives it the option of calling Un a mad dog and doing what one usually does to mad dogs (Koreans love dogs, especially boiled). Unfortunately this dog lives in close proximity to your best friends and so if you drop a nuclear bomb on him, they will get hurt. If Un were a decent chap, he would move to some place like Iraq or Syria where he could be safely bombed. But he’s been badly brought up, even though both his dad and grand-dad were presidents, sorry, dictators before him, so he doesn’t understand true friendship. These things run in families you see.

Like I said, desperately as the US wants to make friends with him, young Un wants to make friends with the US even more. Hence the H-bomb in the basement. And its all N-Korean. No funny Pakistani bits in it from AQ Khan — they wouldn’t work anyway — or Chinese. Therefore the broad smiles on N Korean TV and the gnashing of teeth elsewhere.

So will the DON do UN first or will he get UNDON?

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From now on, watch this space. It will be used for serious discussion of pressing issues like the oxygen crisis in UP, which I am now researching.

Ramesh Sukumaran
04 Sep 2017
Gorakhpur UP