The Act of Union, Indian style

As I have narrated in a previous post, I was suddenly nominated as special emissary to the Queen by the PMO and met her Majesty in Buckingham Palace with a special communication from PM Narendra Modi.

I had no special qualifications for the job, but it seems that some of my pieces in certain international journals had not passed unnoticed.

The meeting with the Queen had gone off well and she had seemed receptive to the Indian proposals. Anyway I understood that there were plans for a more detailed meeting in New Delhi later that year.

Thereafter as briefed, I prepared for the next stage to Islamabad. That was likely to be fairly tricky. I went over the copious notes that the High Commission people had left for me. Thick folders. After a cursory glance at what seemed to be regurgitated Google extracts from Wikipedia, I gave it up and decided to play it by ear. I reasoned that if they had wanted a seasoned diplomat, they would have sent one. The PM obviously wanted a talented amateur. Like me, I flattered myself. After all I had done a pretty good job in London with the Queen and Prince Philip. And our PM was not the public school MBA type. He wanted fresh thinking. I was not alone in being suspicious of glib MBA types.

I learnt later that the news of my meeting with the Queen had reached Islamabad well before I left London.

The following is what I later gleaned from sources who shall remain unnamed.

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On hearing of my visit to the Queen, PM Imran Khan had immediately called an emergency meeting of the Pakistani Cabinet. Rather unusually, leaders of the opposition parties had also been invited.

PM Khan dispensed with the formalities after the usual “Bismillah ir rahman ir rahim…” and got down to business.

Gentlemen, Something fishy is afoot. I have called you here today following some disturbing news that has just reached us from London. Yesterday an Indian emissary met in secret session with Queen Elizabeth. We were informed of this by a bawarchi at Buckingham Palace, who overheard some talk between the Queen and Prince Philip when he was serving them dinner. Only the two were present. Since he was a recent immigrant from Pakistan, they presumed that his English wasn’t good enough. But we had specifically briefed him not to display his knowledge of English. Dilawar (not his real name) is actually the son of one of our top intelligence officers and grew up in Washington. In view of this, the ISI had kept tabs on him and when he finished his Master’s in International Relations from London’s SOAS, they made him an offer. He jumped at the chance to serve his country. We managed to ensure that he got into Buckingham Palace as a chef, thanks to his training at a Swiss hotel management institute in Lausanne, that we sponsored. And he has proved our foresight right.

OK, so what has he told you? (This from the leader of the Opposition)

Well, he told us what they talked about at this meeting. We have checked up with our high commission people in London, but they were not aware of any scheduled meeting with any Indian envoy. In fact when we got the appointments diary at the Palace checked, it showed nothing of the kind. We presume that it was not the usual diplomatic exchange. This Modi in any case knows nothing of any diplomatic niceties, the bloody chaiwala.

So then what are we worried about?

Actually there have been secret goings-on in New Delhi at South Block and in Jammu and Kashmir.

You mean the Union Territory of Kashmir, don’t you? J and K doesn’t exist any more.

Of course, for us it will always remain Jammu and Kashmir, Indian occupied Jammu and Kashmir that is, and Inshallah, it’ll soon be ours.

Really! So then, what did you do about the abrogation of Article 370?

We sent a strong note to the Ministry of External Affairs in New Delhi and moved a resolution in the Security Council condemning the annexation.

And then? Did anything happen? No! Your bloody resolution was ignored. It wasn’t even tabled in the SC. If we had been in power we would have shown those bloody Hindus what’s what.

Oh really, what did you chaps do after Kargil? Begged for a ceasefire. Choodiyan pahan lo!

Oh, you are a nice one to talk. What did you do after Balakot?

We shot down that MiG-21 and captured that Indian pilot, what’s his name? That moochad. Yes Abhinandan. And we also shot down a Sukhoi, though we cannot find the wreckage. It’s possibly fallen across the border.

And also shot down our own F-16 in the bargain and killed one of our top pilots. Why didn’t you mention that?

He wasn’t killed. He ejected.

Yes and your ignorant villagers beat him to death because they couldn’t tell an F-16 from a MIG-21. The poor chap.

Khattak Sahib aap bolein. As Defence Minister, you can put him right.

Sharif Sahib, being Leader of the Opposition does not mean that you oppose everything this government is doing and talk s..t. Desh ka bhi kuch khayaal karein. Only India can afford someone like Rahul Gandhi. We don’t have that luxury. Hamein baksh dein. Accha, to continue, Wg Cdr Jamal Hydari ko hamne Sitar-e-Pakistan award kiya. This will be presented on Pakistan National Day this year. There was a delay. He should have got the award last year. But it took us sometime to locate the black box because those villagers had stolen it. Finally we had to announce a reward of Rs 50,000/-. Unfortunately there were ten claimants from the village and allegations of theft. The sarpanch took custody and claimed the reward. But after some ‘sakht’ interrogation by our ISI people, we got hold of the man who had actually found it. So that’s that.

Big deal. And then you returned that Abhinandan chap and he’s now a big hero in India.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, let’s not bicker now. Let the PM speak. It must be something important for him to have called all of us here.

OK, I’ll proceed if there are no more interruptions. This is beginning to look like one of that chap Arnab’s shows.

What PM Khan, are you too a fan of Arnab?

No, I watch him once in a while just to see what’s going on across the border. But I have to admit that he certainly gets his point across. Why don’t we have anyone like him on any of our channels? Though I know that quite a few of our generals and admirals are happy to appear on his show.

Yes, he pays well per episode, in dollars too. I wish he would call some of us netas too. I wouldn’t mind some spare chillar, in dollars, of course, not Pakistani rupees.

Imran Sahib, Allah ke naam, can we put a stop to this nonsense? We are not here to discuss Indian bloody TV channels or their anchors. PM Khan, go ahead please.

OK Ok, sorry Sharif Sahib. Well like I was saying we had information about this meeting in the Palace and some goings on in India. We suspect that it has something to do with Kashmir. But our high commission in London was not able to give us any info like I just told you.

Those chaps are good for nothing, just having parties and shopping. What useless intelligence briefs they send us! Elahi Sahib, isn’t that high commissioner a nephew of yours? You got him that London post after he was caught smuggling heroin or something in Berlin. He should have been shot, but instead gets a prime posting. How can this country ever improve?

Now now, Allahbaksh, don’t get on the high horse. If I recollect correctly, you wanted that post for your son in law who’s First Secretary in Tripoli. I wouldn’t blame him. Who wouldn’t want to get out of Libya to enjoy himself in London or Paris. Is he still there?

No, PM Khan was kind enough to allow him to move to Washington as First Secretary a couple of months ago. He’s not the ambassador yet, but DC is any day an improvement on Tripoli.

OK, OK, lets get on with it. It seems that this chap who met the queen is not a regular diplomat. Some kind of journalist if even that. His name seems to be some Verghese Ninan. We have told the ISI to find out what they can about his background. But we know he is South Indian, from Kerala.

Oh Kerala! Why in that case he might even be Muslim. It seems that there are a lot of believers there.

But I have never heard of a Muslim with a name like that.

You know that over there a lot of believers have been Hinduised. Perhaps he is one of them. But our Salafi brethren are doing good work there, I believe, to bring them back to the True faith. What else do we know?

We really don’t know very much (interruption).

Yes put him on. Yes High Commissioner? I see. So you don’t know. May have something to do with Kashmir. I see. Is there some proposal for a plebiscite? You think there maybe. Any more on this character, that Ninan? So he’s written a book on Krishna Menon? You mean that old Foreign Minister of theirs? The chap who used to make those long speeches at the UN? OK, OK I see. If he’s an admirer, he can’t be very pro-Pakistan. OK then. Let us know as soon as you find out something. Yes, I’ll convey my regards to him. Bye.

Haan ji, Elahi Sahib, that was your nephew, sending you his salaams. Well gentlemen, you heard me. That was our High Commissioner, Amanullah Khan Sahib. We don’t know too much. Just about what I told you. But there may be some interesting developments. I’ll call the Chief now.

General Sahib, Waleikum Assalam. Pakistan Zindabad. We have some interesting news from London, as you no doubt already know. Oh yes, I forgot. You were the one who told me. Anyway, I want you to sound a general alert. Get the forces on standby. We don’t know what those baniyas are upto. Better to be careful. Yes, Oh, you have already started some shelling in Poonch sector? Good, good. Any buildups noticed? More or less normal, you say. OK, anyway be alert and keep up the good work. Thanks.

So gentlemen that’s it. The army is on alert. We have started some shelling just in case. Let those Hindus know we are ready. I’ll keep you briefed as and when.

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I had landed in Islamabad International late at night after a comfortable flight. The aircraft was a Global Challenger or something like that. That’s what the pilot told me, an ex-Air Force character. The aircraft belonged to one of the PM’s tycoon friends. I had no complaints. It was certainly better than the international economy class I usually travelled in. I would highly recommend this mode of travel, if you number an Ambani or Adani among your friends or have friends who do. Three pretty stewardesses, a large bedroom, gold taps in the washroom and all that. One could easily get used to all this.

I was met by a Col Nawaz Mehmood and whisked through immigration.

Sir, we’ll have to scan your bag, Col Nawaz said apologetically. It’s the rule.

No problems, I said.

Anything to declare, the customs chap had asked.

“I have nothing to declare but my genius”, I smirked.

This evoked no reaction. I suppose neither of them had heard of Oscar Wilde.

“Sirji, there’s a bottle showing on the scanner”, his deputy said.

“Bottle, kya bottle? Open your bag please.”

“It’s just some JW Black Label scotch, about three-fourths left.”

“You’ll have to leave it behind. It’s haraam here. This is Pakistan.”, the last rather proudly.

“Yes and I am a haraami kaffir.”

“You may go now”, said the customswallah, as I picked up my battered VIP traveller.

My Black Label had been dropped into a waste receptacle. I had not heard it break. I suppose Mr Customs was saving it for later, the bloody haraami.

Col Nawaz led me to a Merc 350. Impressive. The Pakis certainly lived well, at least the top lot.

The car moved onto a highway leaving the airport.

I turned to Col Nawaz. May I have something to drink? A glass of Perrier should do nicely.

I’m sorry sir. I can offer you some bottled spring water from Murree.

My dear chap, are you joking? Are you Staff College qualified?

Yes, sir, I did the last staff course but one. I got DS grade.

Really! They must be handing it out by the bucketful then. Is this what they teach you at Quetta about how to welcome guests (This is the Pakistani Defence Services Staff College)? Murree spring water! I’m afraid you have a lot to learn.

Somewhat defensively, “The original Murree water bottling plant was actually started by an Englishman in 1877 and catered exclusively for foreigners. It’s considered as good as Perrier. Pakistanis were not allowed to buy it then.”

My dear Nawaz, Your history needs some improvement. I must remind you that this was all India then. Pakistan came into existence only in 1947.

Oh, sorry sir. But Murree water is even exported.

Must be to the Gulf. They don’t know any better. Anyway hand me a bottle. Hmmm.. not bad. Since you cannot afford Perrier, I suppose this must do. Murree reminds me. Isn’t that where that chap, Gen Dyer, the ‘Butcher of Jallianwala’ was born?

Yes sir, unfortunately.

Don’t blame yourself. Long before your time. I believe his father ran the local distillery. So tell me Nawaz, how long a ride is this? One hour? And where are we going now?

To the Intercontinental in town. You meet the PM at ten tomorrow morning.

OK. Well I hope they have some whisky. So I can have a peg and a snooze thereafter. I am tired. Are you regular Army or ISI or both?

No sir, Regular army.

I don’t suppose you would admit to being ISI even if you were. Stupid of me. Infantry?

Yes, 8 Punjab.

Oh, my father was 2nd Punjab, but before independence. He was a second lieut, commissioned 1940. Of course 2nd Punjab stayed with India. He left as a Major, after the 1962 war. Too outspoken. Couldn’t suffer fools.

Oh, I see. And what do you do sir?

Nothing much. A little bit of writing and some journalism.

So how come you got chosen for this assignment?

To tell you the truth, beats me. But it suits me. It’s interesting. And the daru’s good and on the house. So tell me, do you drink?

No sir, we aren’t allowed.

Oh I see, good Muslim and all that. But I hope that does not hold for us kaffirs. The Intercontinental must be well stocked.

Yes of course. Foreigners are allowed to. Pakistanis too, on a health permit.

Oh, like we used to have in the days of prohibition. Thank God that’s over. So you must be having plenty of sick Pakistanis all over the bars hereabouts. What we have to do to get a drink! I almost feel sorry for you chaps. You’re pretty backward over here.

Bridling, “No sir, we are a nuclear power.”

Oh come on, I didn’t mean that. I meant your attitude towards liquor and all that. As for the bomb, the whole world knows you got it from China.

No sir, it is totally indigenous.

Come, come, we all know about AQ Khan and his smuggling network. You couldn’t make a tooth paste without foreign collaboration.

The rest of the ride passed in a strained silence. Perhaps I should have been more diplomatic.

We reached the hotel in an hour as promised. The usual five star arrangements. The bar was closed but the minibar in the room was operational. I had my drink and popped off to sleep.

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Woke up at six the next morning and ordered my breakfast. At nine-fifteen sharp, Col Nawaz appeared along with a couple of civilians. We set out to the PM’s office.

After a short drive we reached our destination. The PM’s assistant welcomed us into the office after the usual, or rather unusual security routine.

The PM was smartly dressed in a short jacket over a silk kurta.

Welcome to Islamabad. Please have a seat.

We were the only people in the room.

First visit I suppose. I hope the arrangements were to your satisfaction.

No complaints on that score, PM. I bring you greetings from PM Modi. I bear a letter which I have been asked to hand over personally. Here it is.

A pause while he opened the letter and perused its contents.

He finished, then tilted his head to look at me.

Is he serious?

I know what you know. I was given a briefing by the PMO, so I suppose he is.

But this is explosive stuff!

Yes I suppose. But the PM generally knows what he is doing.

But what he has proposed is quite far reaching. I will need to consult with my advisors and the Cabinet.

Take your time. I have been told to wait for an answer.

OK, I’ll have them take you back to the hotel. We can arrange a tour if you want to see the place, or a round of golf. I don’t know how long this will take. You can contact, who was it, your LO?

A Col Nawaz.

Oh him! A good chap but very stiff. I’ll send you a younger chap (Picks up the phone). Send me Major Shafi. Fauran!. OK. That’s done. Major Shafi will attend on you in a while at the hotel. I hope your minibar has your brand of poison.

Yes PM. Plenty of it. Do you..?

No, not any more. But Jemima still sends me some of that stuff from the UK. Her father owns a couple of distilleries in Scotland. I’ll see you out….Ninan, Verghese Ninan. You must be a Brahmin, I suppose?

No, PM, I am a Christian. From Kerala. Though we have family stories saying our ancestors were Namboodiri Brahmins who were converted to Christianity by St Thomas. Probably just stories, but they give us status as high caste. We are Syrian Christians.

Not Hindu? Are you from the BJP?

Not remotely. In fact I did International Relations at JNU in New Delhi. You must have heard of it. Was in the SFI, the leftist student’s union.

Oh really! Then why did he pick you?

I really don’t know. But the PM’s like that. Surprises people. But I like the job. I get to meet plenty of people and the daru’s free.

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Major Shafi or Ejaz Shafiqullah to give him his full name, turned up at the hotel at three pm after lunch. He turned out to be a tall, hefty officer of about forty, an expanding waistline testifying to his love of food and drink and disdain for exercise. He outlined the places of interest, and made an offer of a round of golf at the Army Golf Course, reputedly the best in the country. I refused. I don’t play golf. We settled on the Pakistan Monument, the King Faisal Mosque and time permitting, a trip to the Margalla Hills outside town.

So we set out in the evening on a tour of the city. Thanks to the virus the roads were empty. The city was impressive and in any case the roads did not pass through any densely inhabited areas. So it rather looked like a newer version of Lutyens Delhi — lots of upper middle class housing and malls with, I suppose slums tucked away behind the fancy facades — Potemkin villages, as is usual in the subcontinent. Where do you get the servants for all those fancy villas otherwise? Major Shafi kept up a running commentary all the way. He was good company. We were accompanied by a hamper full of tandoori murgh, for snacks. He told me that the dhabas on the highway were excellent and that fresh food would be better. These had remained open for truckers and for the army I suppose. The country was not in full lockdown.

It took rather longer than I expected for PM Khan to get back to me. I spent another couple of days in my hotel, whiling away my time with some desultory walks in the neighbourhood shadowed by an ISI team and watched some Pakistani social serials on the TV. These were fairly well made and somewhat more realistic than the overdressed saas-bahu serials staple on channels in India. I also listened to a number of mad mullahs on YouTube. There seemed to be a large number of them, outlining their plans for the final attack on India, to kill the Hindus and make India Islamic and I suppose shortly thereafter, to blow each other up, ending up in each other’s versions of heaven and hell. A pleasant vision. They called it Ghazwa-e-Hind. I wished them luck.

Three days later the PM’s office called. The PM would meet with me at 10’o’clock tomorrow. The Cabinet wished me to make the presentation in person.

I was not prepared for this and quickly put a call through to Delhi. XXX Mishra picked up. He seemed rather more friendly than when we had talked earlier.

They want me to make a presentation to the Cabinet tomorrow. A full Q & A session thereafter I presume. What should I say?

You know what the letter says. Just present that.

But I don’t know very much more.

That’s all there is. I have spoken to the PM. You have the authority to say whatever it contains. It has everything necessary. Just make a PP presentation, max of five slides. The rest is upto you.

OK, if you say so. My PP skills are not what they once were.

The next day, I made my way to the PM’s office. This time we made our way to the main hall where the cabinet awaited me. There was a brief introduction from the PM. I attached my pendrive to my laptop and began. The presentation took just ten minutes. I outlined the main features of the proposals, what that entailed and ended with a conclusion highlighting the benefits.

I concluded my presentation. “So gentlemen, this is what PM Modi has offered.”

Gentlemen, said PM Khan. You have heard the Indian proposals? What do you think?

There was silence, while my audience took it all in. I realized that most if not all of them were hearing this for the first time. PM Khan had kept the details to himself. Perhaps he had been worried about the reaction.

Then a tentative, “Does he really mean what he says? We will need to discuss this.

PM Modi would like a reply as soon as possible.

Mr Ninan, would you wait in the adjoining chamber, while the cabinet discusses the proposals? Tea and snacks will be served to you there.

I could hear murmurs as I left. The fireworks would begin shortly, I guessed.

The PM’s secretary was waiting. They wish to talk to you.

OK, I said.

Mr Ninan, said PM Khan, we have discussed your proposals.

Not mine, I said, PM Modi’s.

Yes, they are far reaching, but they are a way forward. We do not mind some of them but have doubts about the others.

Why don’t you discuss them directly with PM Modi? I am sure he will be pleased to clarify any doubts you might have.

Yes, I think I’ll call him tonight. Thank you Mr Ninan. When do you leave?

The aircraft’s on short notice at the airport. I’ll speak to the captain. About a couple of hours I think and then to New Delhi.

I’ll give you a letter for PM Modi. Major Shafi will hand it over to you before you leave. He’ll be escorting you to the airport in any case.

Good day PM and thanks for the hospitality.

My pleasure.

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I could see the headlines in the international press.

India makes far reaching proposals to Pakistan

Kashmir dispute resolved

Cunning Indian proposal to absorb Pakistan

Pakistan will never surrender

God willing, India will become Muslim

These last from some extremist Pakistani journals

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So what had PM Modi offered?

A merger or confederation of India and Pakistan

The merged nation to be called Hindustan as it was known in historical times

Hinduism and Islam to be state religions, the constitution amended accordingly, but all religious parties banned

No use of religious imagery or references in political discourse

Religion as a private affair between the individual and his God and not for public display

Children to choose their religion at the age of 21

A common passport and citizenship

A national identity card or document linked to an encrypted cellphone number for every citizen, to check identity and to ensure delivery of services

An amended electoral system with party manifestos and not candidates being the primary discriminant

Candidates selected after party wise election results announced — hence no defections possible, since they are not elected. The party is.

State funding of all parties with more than 5% of popular vote. Two round system with majority party being decided by runoff

Unicameral parliament and state legislatures

Abolition of post of governor

No mid term elections — all governments to rule for full term

Automatic disqualification for ten years on conviction for corruption

Creation of a national crime investigation agency with jurisdiction to take over all cases involving inter-state crime, proven foreign links etc.

A reconstituted and fully staffed Supreme Court with a time limit of five years for adjudicating all cases

Non-stop hearings and no vacation for judges

A reformed lower judicial system; no frivolous cases

Public Parliamentary hearings for appointments to all senior positions in government viz. the Cabinet, the bureaucracy and the judiciary with a public poll on candidate acceptability on a simple majority

An Accountability Commission a la Pakistan to keep a check on corruption

The electorate to have the right of recall in case of corruption or party switching

Abolition of all quota systems based on caste and religion. Economic backwardness as sole criterion.

Educational scholarships to quality institutions with special support for poor students

Revocation of the Enemy Property Act. Those dispossessed by partition to be offered the opportunity to buy back ancestral property if the current owners were willing to sell. Compensation offered at adjusted rates to be decided

Jammu and Kashmir to be integrated with POK

Article 370 revived and now to apply only to POK for thirty years, period

The first President of India after the Union to be from the Pakistani regions of Hindustan

The Hindustani PM to be the elected head of the majority party as before under the usual democratic process

The merger of the Indian and Pakistani armed forces to be known thereafter as the Azad Hind Fauj

Army regiments to be integrated where possible, with those separated during partition

All Chinese advisers to be sent back and all treaties with China annulled

The Belt and Road treaty to be abrogated

The hand over of Aksai Chin by Pakistan to China to be annulled and China to be asked to vacate

The Kashmir dispute to be withdrawn from the UN

Immediate resumption of cross border trade and cultural contacts.

Joint patrolling of the Chinese border by composite units of the Indian and Pakistani armies until a final merger is effected

Permanent Security Council membership for Hindustan, the world’s most populous country.

An education budget of 7 percent to ensure a secular education equal to the world’s best

A reduction in the defence budget

And on foreign policy:

A resolution to be moved in the UNSC for world-wide denuclearisation, with Hindustan offering to do so on ironclad guarantees

Support for a plebiscite on Tibetan independence restricted to ethnic Tibetans in Tibet and abroad and excluding Han Chinese settlers

Recognition of Taiwan as an independent country